I am one of those people who are passive aggressive. I have been for as long as I can remember. It's such a terrible habit because I let things go and I don't fight for it. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I seem to be unlucky in the love department. I let the guys go without fighting for them. I say die before I even have the chance to fight. It is sometimes a blessing in disguise though, it keeps me from getting hurt more than I already am. And that's what I've been doing for a long time, I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and close myself off.
I'm trying not to do that now. I am trying to be more open with myself and let people in, but it sucks though when you let the wrong people in. Some people stay and some people leave. It just sucks when you think about them and you think they don't think about you.
My mom says I haven't had a boyfriend because I don't make myself available. I don't really understand what she means by that. To be honest, I'd rather come off as a snob than attract the wrong kind of attention. I do not handle someone else liking me more than I like them well. . .at all. I seem to opt to be the admirer than the admiree. I am so used to me being the one to get rejected than being the one to reject the person. It's terrible, isn't it? Perhaps, I over think this a little too much that I lose track of what is real and what is not.
Regardless, I hate attention but with this particular gentleman I am practically screaming for it. I just want him to see me the way I see him. I am screaming, but silently. I want to tell him everything that meanders through my head, but I freeze up and hold back from saying anything. I do say things, but I still feel rigid and nervous. I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to tell him anything and not worry about what he'll think and I want him to be able to tell me anything. I want the both of us to text each other random things we both find funny. I want to talk to him on the phone or in person for hours about the randomest things. I want to be with him. Yet, I fear I may be putting all my faith in the wrong person. Then there is a part of me that says I should stay in the game and continue admiring this boy because he could be worth it. He shall remain nameless. I am at this constant war about what is right and what is wrong. The thing is I don't know what is right and what is wrong. There are people's opinions about him. But I shun those away because they don't know him, they don't speak to him, so how are they supposed to really know him? I know because I speak to him and I know him and I deem him worthy. I just hope I 'm not missing any warning signs. I really like him and I want to give it a shot. I'm doing something I have never had the guts to do and that is actively pursue a boy because I had my pride and fears in the way. It is 2014, why can't a girl pursue the boy? Yes, I know I deserve to be romanced, but when I have him he can do that. I am old fashioned, but if you want something, you have to go out and get it. I am getting it.
Wish me luck, peeps.
~~~~~~ Mariah
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