To Be Or To Be Something Else?: Personas

We all (safely assuming) have different personas. We have a persona for our parents, certain friends, teachers, strangers, family, and even ourselves. I know I do. I'll admit it, I have personas for each person in my life and to say I haven't slipped is an understatement. I have definitely mixed up my personas and have revealed something about myself I didn't intend to. It's a learning experience. I'm young, I'll learn. Oh dear Lord, I hope I'll learn.

Regressing here, but doesn't that suck when we make one mistake (or a few, but who's counting?) and all of a sudden it's a big deal. It's like a new religious or social movement when in retrospect, it's life. We make mistakes. We don't turn in assignments. We do poorly on tests. We lie to our parents and say we're doing good in school. We make decisions that is ours but people question our judgement. We lie. And we lie. And we fall. And we break. And you take what you get. It gets complicated and sometimes, in the words of Queen Elsa, we just got to let it go. Yes, I will throw in a Frozen reference.

Anyway, we all have personas.

And to be honest, with all these "personas" I perpetuate in front of people, I kind of get lost in myself. I ask the question "who am I?" 24601. Don't we all? Again, safely assuming. I get lost because I have people barking down my neck and scolding me for every little decision I make. It's bad enough having my parents wanting to know what is happening with me and my brother, I got my friends barking down my neck, silently judging my decisions. A person just can't breathe these days can they? I love them all, but it's our life and we can do whatever we want as long as we're okay with it. They say we have to own up to our decisions and sometimes, we have to no matter what people say. People judge, it's human nature to, sadly. It's our job to own up to our decisions and forget about people's judgements, they don't understand. Safe to say, I kind of don't understand my own decisions too, but you have to live with it. 

Going back to my very first post. I didn't want to make a blog because I did not want to hear my parents telling me all about the dangers and whatnot of being online. Please, I've heard that lecture for three years in high school, I get it. And I do know being online is dangerous and that we must proceed with caution. Sometimes, we have to do things the wrong way in order to do them the right way. Again, it's a learning experience. Why can't some people get that?

I forgot where my point was going. . .

I guess, what I am trying to say here is. . . 

What am I trying to say here?

Ah yes. I get lost in myself because of how different I am to a selective group of people. Even if I have close friends whom I can talk to, I still have a different persona that they don't see and I guess it's the same with them. Will I ever find a person I can be myself, all of myselves with?

Invisible Yet Shouting For Attention

I am one of those people who are passive aggressive. I have been for as long as I can remember. It's such a terrible habit because I let things go and I don't fight for it. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I seem to be unlucky in the love department. I let the guys go without fighting for them. I say die before I even have the chance to fight. It is sometimes a blessing in disguise though, it keeps me from getting hurt more than I already am. And that's what I've been doing for a long time, I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and close myself off.

I'm trying not to do that now. I am trying to be more open with myself and let people in, but it sucks though when you let the wrong people in. Some people stay and some people leave. It just sucks when you think about them and you think they don't think about you.

My mom says I haven't had a boyfriend because I don't make myself available. I don't really understand what she means by that. To be honest, I'd rather come off as a snob than attract the wrong kind of attention. I do not handle someone else liking me more than I like them well.  . .at all. I seem to opt to be the admirer than the admiree. I am so used to me being the one to get rejected than being the one to reject the person. It's terrible, isn't it? Perhaps, I over think this a little too much that I lose track of what is real and what is not.

Regardless, I hate attention but with this particular gentleman I am practically screaming for it. I just want him to see me the way I see him. I am screaming, but silently. I want to tell him everything that meanders through my head, but I freeze up and hold back from saying anything. I do say things, but I still feel rigid and nervous. I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to tell him anything and not worry about what he'll think and I want him to be able to tell me anything. I want the both of us to text each other random things we both find funny. I want to talk to him on the phone or in person for hours about the randomest things. I want to be with him. Yet, I fear I may be putting all my faith in the wrong person. Then there is a part of me that says I should stay in the game and continue admiring this boy because he could be worth it. He shall remain nameless. I am at this constant war about what is right and what is wrong. The thing is I don't know what is right and what is wrong. There are people's opinions about him. But I shun those away because they don't know him, they don't speak to him, so how are they supposed to really know him? I know because I speak to him and I know him and I deem him worthy. I just hope I 'm not missing any warning signs. I really like him and I want to give it a shot. I'm doing something I have never had the guts to do and that is actively pursue a boy because I had my pride and fears in the way. It is 2014, why can't a girl pursue the boy? Yes, I know I deserve to be romanced, but when I have him he can do that. I am old fashioned, but if you want something, you have to go out and get it. I am getting it. 

Wish me luck, peeps.

~~~~~~ Mariah

Physical Creative Writing

I am taking a creative writing class in college and the topic of choice for this semester is short fiction. Perfect, because I love fiction and I love making things up. I wish there was a bit more freedom, but we do have prompts and they're pretty much like guidelines. I just hate the idea of thinking more than I have to, but prompts are good, there will be flow and yet surprises.

Anyway, my professor wants us "show" physical feelings. Not emotional because those come easy to me because Lord knows I feel way too much, but physical descriptions have always alluded me. Even in real life when someone asks me to describe I person, I cannot. I say the generic things like "they have brown hair," "they have light brown eyes", or "they're tall". That doesn't really help distinguish a particular person from the rest of the crowd. I can say "they have green glasses" or "they always wear a maroon jacket", things like that but if its how the nose is shaped or how deep set their eyes are, I can't. Physical descriptions are hard to write down.

"Showing" the physical in fiction is hard. We had to write a gory, violent scene for our assignment and I create whole back stories to help me get it all out. Well, in class we did an exercise where we had to describe a violent, gory scene involving a chicken. Let's just say everyone went straight to the point while I created a back story about the chicken. I created an emotional connection to the chicken which made it even harder for me to butcher the poor bird in my mind. So I kept the gory details to a minimum and let's just say I failed the whole point of the exercise completely.

Why do I keep creating back stories? This is short fiction, there is not enough time to talk about their life goals, childhood memories, or dreams unless it is vital to the plot of the story. I just need to stop taking a panoramic approach to the stories. I need to stop starting from the general and going into the specific. I need to start in the specific and stay there. I'll get the hang of it. No back stories. Just what is vital to the movement of the plot.

Rant Away

I have been meaning to start a blog for some time now, but I have always talked myself out of it.

Why?

Well, it's the fear of putting myself out there. I have always been one to shy away from things that can gravitate attention towards me. I do not really like attention. Maybe I'm more open to it now because I am tired of waiting on the sidelines and letting life past me by. I want to be a part of life. I want to make my own decisions and of course, you cannot just skate on by without doing something. So, now I am doing something. I'm doing a lot of somethings, but let's not get into that right now.

So, yes, I have created a blog. I do have a tumblr and I often use that to rant about shows and movies and life and what not. That was a lot of "and", terrible sentence structure. Anyway, I use tumblr frequently, but I guess now I have this.

Perhaps, this first post should be a little "About Me". Details about me and what not.

All right. What to say though about me? I could never really do those kind of things. I always felt weird because the spotlight was on me so I freeze up and say whatever things comes to mind then regret it later.

Okay, I have it now.

I am of age. 19 if you want to be more specific. I live in the tiny island of Guam. I am about 5'2" or 5'3", I am not really sure which one, but I am about there. I have lived in California when I was 10 years old and moved back to Guam when I was 13 years old. I call 12 - 17 dark times for me even though there were some really good moments in those few years. I didn't really enjoy high school until my junior year, but even though, going to an all girl school is not really a highlight. More drama then necessary. Now, being 19, I've learned to enjoy life and not take it too seriously. I am what you call a hopeless romantic. I have liked guys, but I never dated anyone. I am a virgin in dating, kissing, and sex. Honestly, I don't really mind it. I have learned to be on my own and enjoy my relationships with other people. I'm holding out though for that one guy to surprise me. If he's not in Guam, then hopefully he'll be in the states. I love to write. I am a writer and I would love to make a career out of it. I am very critical about my writing, but everyone says it is good, I guess I need to get reviews from real writers so I can really improve. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinions and I appreciate people complementing me on my work, but I need a professional's opinion to make myself feel better. After all, if I want to become a scriptwriter for a television show, it has to be good, real good. I love television shows, movies, and music. I am a geek when it comes to pop culture trivia. I even love connecting actors/actresses to each other, it's like a game to me and I love it so much.

I guess that is about it. I'm not quite certain where this will go or if I'll continue it because I suck at committing to things like this. I hardly join clubs because I hate meetings and I can't commit to that. Anyway, there will just be random posts every so often.

Stay gold,

~ Mariah